The bike...

I have a bicycle.  I know that is not exactly big news in blog land.  However, I have had this bicycle for a year now and have yet to ride it.  It is on my “fear to get over” list.  I know it sounds silly to some.  It is just a bicycle, and riding a bike is easy once you have done it before.  I used to ride a bike as a child all summer long.  I would ride to the pool, lock the bike up, ride home from the pool, ride to the park etc.  I even pretended one time to be a hobo.  I found a big stick in the yard and I tied a red bandana on the end of it, and I had filled the bandana with sandwiches and some fruit.  I rode to the city park, sat under a tree, and had my very own picnic. 

So now, some 38 years later, I have a mountain bike.  I bought it used from someone that listed it online.  The bike is in great shape, but I am not.  I keep imagining myself riding the bike a short distance and having to walk the darn thing back home.  On the other hand, my other “what if” is what if I fall, in traffic, and am hit by a car?  What if, I cannot remember the hand signals properly and confuse some driver, and am hit by a car?  Do you see where this is going?  This is what I meant in the earlier blog, about what ifs killing you.  You can what if yourself so much, that you never enjoy the here and now because you are so busy living in what if land.  The land of what ifs is a scary place to dwell, I must admit.  However, usually those major what if things never happen. 

I also put obstacles in my way so I cannot possibly do whatever it is that is making me anxious.  Concerning the bike, it is about shorts.  I MUST have shorts to wear when I ride the bike.  I know I do not have to, but I feel I would be more comfortable.  A few more of these obstacles and it will be next summer again. 

So I guess, in order to help myself, I will just have to do my best and get on that bike and ride it.  I figure a baby step can be riding it on the sidewalks for now.  In our town, it is illegal to ride a bike on the sidewalk, but no one is ever ticketed for that offense. 

I know I sound less than thrilled about the bike experience, but I also know that when I do ride that bike I will feel great.  It will be a while before it becomes habit, but I think it is time to make a start.

So what have all of you been putting off?  Write to me and tell me.  I would love to hear how anxiety, agoraphobia, etc, affect the rest of you.

Ta :)

The baby steps of life...

When you have an anxiety disorder, the people around you become either petrified to say ANYTHING at all to you, for fear of you "going off your rocker", or they say very unhelpful things like "just get over it", and "don't panic".  If "don't panic" worked for panic attacks, there would be no panic attacks to "not panic" about.

People mean well, but they come up with the strangest things sometimes.  "I conquered my fears by just doing the things I was afraid of".  How nice for you.  I hadn't thought of that AT ALL. *sarcasm font*

When one has anxiety or agoraphobia, or social phobia, the best thing to do is just be patient, and if you can't be the patient friend, then don't be the friend.  If you cannot accept a person with all their scars and flaws, inside and out, then do both of you a favor, and don't be around them.  

I was told by a former friend "I accept everything about you, warts and all".  I have no warts by the way, just thought I'd get that in there.  Not that warts are a bad thing, but I don't happen to have any.  Anyhow, I was relieved, yet cynical at the same time.  I had been through this before.  Of course the friend meant well, but they just couldn't handle the fact that they couldn't fix me, or my problems with just a few words of encouragement.

Lately I have become content.  I am not content to be a hermit - definitely not.  However, I am content in my life.  I have waited for years for things to be just perfect so I could be happy and content.  Now I realize I don't need all of that stuff and nonsense to be happy.  I am happy now, with what I have, who I have around me and the fact that I am working through a few things.  I will freely admit that my anxiety and social phobia and occasional agoraphobia are self-imposed.  I CAN leave the apartment, and I CAN talk to anyone I wish to, and I CAN go to an event filled with folks.  The problem is the anticipation part.  The what ifs in life can kill you.  They can stall you until you've reached 45 years of age and feel as if you haven't DONE a damned thing with your life because of fear.

So here I go, wandering into the fear zone alone, and I started a blog.  Actually this is the third or fourth blog I've started, but I cared if people read it or not.  Now I could care less.  If it's read, that is pleasing.  If it's not read, then it's not read.

So all you agoraphobics, social anxiety, generalized anxiety disorder folks, take a page from my book (oh yes, I AM working on a book) and take those baby steps.  Baby steps ARE considered successes, and don't discount them.  Tell the world if you want, put it on posters, put it on billboards that you were able to "......." for the first time with very little anxiety.  Yes I am afraid to say that the "just do the things you are afraid of" people are right, but you don't have to jump in headfirst either.  Each little step gets you closer to comfort and freedom, and fulfilling your dreams.  

I do hope you'll check back to see how my journey of baby steps goes, and to see how my mind works (be forewarned, I think about some really strange things).

Ta :)